Today is a day marked by profound contrasts for me: my eldest daughter is getting married, while my father lies in the final stages of life. This poignant intertwining of hope and loss brings me face-to-face with the complexity of love—the messy, beautiful, and often contradictory force that shapes our relationships and our very selves.
The Unloved Self and Our Capacity to Love
Love isn’t simple. It is a dance between the parts of ourselves that feel loved and those parts still shadowed by the experience of being unloved. To understand how we love others, we must first embrace the unloved self within us with as much care as we offer to the parts of us that already know love.
Our early experiences of love in childhood form the blueprint for how we perceive and express love throughout life. Some of us grew up feeling unquestionably loved. Others learned that love had to be earned, performed for, or even manipulated. And for many, love came with abandonment or pain, leaving wounds that ripple into adulthood.
No one grows up untouched by these early impressions; trauma and neglect can twist the simple human need for love into a painful struggle. Parts of ourselves become hidden or deemed unlovable, shaping our relationships in ways we might not fully understand.
Love’s Many Faces: From Lust to Endurance
There’s a dazzling excitement in new love and lust—the spark that draws us close. But lasting love is often softer, marked by compromise, resilience, and patience. True love reveals itself through weathering storms together, choosing each other even when it’s hard.
When I look at my husband, I don’t just see his strengths but also his struggles. My love embraces the whole, not just the easy parts. This mature love withstands conflicts and imperfections, transforming them into a deeper bond. Love that isn’t tested remains young and fragile; it is through challenge that love grows stronger and more healing.
The Childhood Love We Missed
Many of our adult needs—being seen, heard, respected—circle back to the fundamental need for unconditional childhood love. To be loved fully, in all our imperfect moods and states, is the deepest human longing.
The way we first experienced love colors how we expect love to be given and received. This can create tension when partners or friends have different love legacies. Expecting others to love us as we have known love sets a high bar and often leads to disappointment.
For those whose childhood love was scarce or conditional, relationships can trigger deep-seated fears of rejection. They may struggle to recognize or accept love, leaving loved ones frustrated and unsure how to help. Yet, with steady, patient love, healing is possible.
Conditional Love: The Performance Trap
Conditional love teaches us that we must earn love through our actions—being the “good child,” the overachiever, or the obedient one. Outside that “safe box” lies the feared unlovable self, often expressed in negative ways or hidden altogether.
This pattern breeds a sense of self that is always performing, seeking validation rather than feeling safe being authentic. For example, those who express love through acts of service may be reflecting this early conditioning—trying to prove love through doing rather than simply being.
In relationships, this creates a challenge: a person who doubts their worthiness might struggle to love freely or meet their partner’s deeper emotional needs beyond actions. Unconditional love from a partner, especially during moments of insecurity or “testing,” becomes a vital bridge to healing the wounded self.
The Manipulative Lover and the Quest for Safety
Manipulative love often arises unconsciously in childhood environments where love was given only if a child fit a certain narrative. Children learn to gain attention through manipulation, invisibility, or rebellion, shaping adult relationships with patterns of games and tests that hide an insatiable need for unconditional acceptance.
Those raised without safe love can find relationships inherently unsafe, suspecting betrayal even when love is present. Their inner narrative—that they are unlovable or must become someone else to be loved—casts a shadow on intimacy.
For partners of manipulative lovers, the path is challenging. Drama and distrust may seem endless, yet healing requires patience and a focus on what is being built in the relationship rather than the repeated tests and upheavals.
Bridging the Loved and Unloved Selves
To love someone wounded by conditional or manipulative love means cultivating a deep well of patience and unconditional acceptance. It means embracing the parts of them that reject love and yet secretly crave it most.
When the person we love pushes us away or acts from insecurity, our response can either reinforce their fear of rejection or help them trust love’s steadiness. Responding with compassion, even when it feels like a “step backward,” is a gift that can slowly rebuild trust in love’s possibility.
A Shared Journey
Saying “we all deserve love” is a hopeful ideal but one that can stir inner conflict for those who doubt their lovability. Loving others is an act of bridging their loved and unloved selves—and it calls on us to also recognize and soothe our own.
None of us can do this alone. Love, at its deepest, is a shared journey where vulnerability, patience, and compassion create the space for healing and growth.
Nessa Emrys lives as a digital nomad, weaving compassion and perspective through her work as a multidimensional therapist and writer. Discover more of her insights at her Transcend The Mental Substack.